I Am But A Simple Farmer and NOT a Rioter

I don’t know why everyone’s mad at me all of a sudden.

Yes, I was there.

It was great! We were all singing patriotic songs like “God Bless America “ and “Real Americans Don’t Let Their Kids Be Gay.” It felt like I was part of something wholesome.

I went there because I just wanted my voice heard. Yes, I voted, so technically my voice was already heard. I also gave money, which, as we all know, is speech. So my voice was heard there, too. I also put a giant sign in my yard that says “VOTE FOR TRUMP OR YOUR A PUSSY’ and got a lot of pushback from my neighbor for not spelling “you’re” correctly, which is a very Lib thing to do, so I’m definitely suspicious of her. Probably she’s a member of the Deep State, which I didn’t realize reached its tendrils into the the HR department of the ACME Gasket and Sealing Company, where she works. But that’s why they call it the Deep State, I guess. It goes deep.

But back to my voice! I did not feel my voice was heard enough, as I was not able to shout over the people who disagreed with me. I am an American, and Americans are winners, so therefore I am a winner. Therefore if my candidate were to be a loser, it would be unfair to me personally. I know there’s been a lot of talk about injustice in America, and this is a textbook example: me, not getting everything I want, like I’m used to getting.

At first, it started out peacefully. Just me and some other real Americans, whooping it up and exercising our first amendment rights. Plus there was a lot of walking, which is actual exercise. My FitBit is so proud of me right now!

We only marched on the Capitol because the president told us to, and because it’s what we planned to do three weeks ago on Facebook. It was spontaneous! Except for the planning.

I’m sure the noose on the Capitol lawn was merely a festive decoration.

When we got there, though, the atmosphere took a turn. No longer a happy stroll with fellow patriots, something in the crowd turned ugly. I can only assume it was the arrival of Antifa infiltrating our ranks, putting on our clothes, and using their liberal technology to face-swap with the real Americans to make it seem like it was the exact same people marching. It was eerie.

Somehow, the gates were open and cops were waving us in. I decided to go along just to see what was happening. I figured, hey! A free tour of the Capitol! I know a bargain when I see one! Maybe the tours of the Capitol are always free, I don’t know, I haven’t checked. I just know they were free today.

As I was walking up the steps, I passed some youths trying to scale the wall. That seemed wrong to me. The steps are right here! Maybe they were Antifa. Anyway, one of them got stuck and I gave him a little boost. That’s called being neighborly. I would hope that if roles were reversed and I found myself trying to scale a wall of a government building to disrupt the machinery of democracy and got stuck, one of my fellow patriots would also give me a boost. That’s just how I was raised.

Let the record show that I did not break any windows to get inside the building. I just climbed through a window that was already broken. See! I’m an innocent bystander!

When I got inside, people were taking selfies and looking for souvenirs. That made me suspicious. I thought that’s why we had the sweatshirts made saying “Civl War Part Two: The Civil Warrening.” I helped an American uproot a podium that had been bolted to the floor, but I felt strange about it.

I decided to look for some lawmakers, to give them a piece of my mind. Top of my list was Chuck Schumer. I know! You thought I was gonna say Nancy Pelosi! But I already walked passed her office and people were using her private correspondence as confetti, so I figured that was a lost cause.

I don’t like Chuck Schumer because he seems suspicious. He seems — well, I was going to say “Jewy,” but I don’t want the P.C. police after me, the only kind of police to ever actually interfere with anything I do. Once I set a car on fire after my hockey team lost, and the real police were like, “Been there, my dude.” It was nice.

But I couldn’t find Schumer’s office! That place is like a maze! I asked a cop for directions, and he totally gave them to me.

Yes, some people got carried away. There was some rowdy behavior which I can’t condone. But look, it’s the People’s House. That’s why I pooped in it.

After a while, I decided to leave and was detained by absolutely no one. I went back to my hotel and had a nice time chatting with other patriots. Everyone was in a good mood.

But now, I see that the media is calling it an insurrection. And not just the Fake News media, either! That’s terrible! I condemn the insurrectionists in the harshest terms. Good thing I wasn’t one of them.

And that’s the important part I want everyone to know: I am not to blame. I am but a simple farmer. Okay, I don’t own a farm necessarily, but I’m similar to a farmer. I am from the heartland and I am a small business owner, and frankly, I don’t appreciate these calls to boycott my vape store. Leave my vape store out of it!

I don’t see why there should be consequences for my actions. Consequences are for other people, and by “other,” I mean “black.”