The Revolution Will Be On Roller Skates

When you fall down, get your ass back up.

Me, armored up like a rollerskating Viking.

I have upsetting news: it turns out, exercise can help your body feel better.

I KNOW. It’s so distressing! What I WANT to be true is: aches and pains? Try lying down on your sofa for hours, and you’ll be good as new. It doesn’t work! I’ve tried and tried it.

More upsetting: exercise helps you feel good, but not for a while! You have to keep doing it, maybe for weeks, before you feel better! And in that time, those weeks, you might actually feel worse! Your little aches and pains get swapped out for big pains! Ibuprofen-style! It’s so dumb!

Whoever designed this system: I have some complaints.

As I wander through my Middle Ages, and I’ve been accruing more aches and pains from things like “turned my head too long to the left” and “thought about vacuuming,” I’ve been trying to exercise more as a corrective. It’s not even about sculpting the ol’ bod (why mess with glory?) or losing weight (for that, you have to stop eating so much food, and I flatly refuse to deny myself pleasure). Pre-pandemic, I had a good gym thing going. I took in a few sessions with a physical trainer, I had a little routine happening, I was going faithfully. I did a…