Nobody’s Seducing Nobody: A Message From Brad Pitt’s Publicist
This has gone on long enough.
Let me be very clear: my client, Brad Pitt, will not be seducing Megan Gogerty, or anybody else, nor will he be seduced by same. There will be no seduction happening on my watch. My client has enough problems.
And frankly, so do I.
You know what I’ve spent the last few years doing? Damage control. Fallout from She Who Must Not Be Named. Which: fine. Part of the gig. But I’m not taking on any more wild cards.
Did you know Brad produced Hidden Figures? No? Well, he did. And don’t tell him you didn’t know he did, or I’ll be fired.
Here’s my job in a nutshell: get the global population (that’s right, the population of the entire globe, I need tykes in Siberia wanting his abs) to find Brad likable. Because if Brad is likable, Brad is bankable. And if Brad is bankable, Brad is powerful. And if Brad is powerful, he gets to do what he likes. Ironically, that means he doesn’t get to do what he wants most of the time. But that’s show biz.
And the more powerful he gets, the harder my job is. Because it’s hard! Getting the whole planet Earth to believe you’re wonderful? How many mistakes are you afforded, in that scenario? And once you reach a certain, let’s say stature, in the business, you start to believe people will like you no matter what you do. Which is not true.
And also — don’t tell Brad I said this — he doesn’t understand how the world is now. He’s been a movie star since the 20th century. He’s been famous longer than I’ve been alive (don’t tell him I said that, it depresses him). It’s not just the paparazzi he has to look out for, it’s everyone with a cell phone, which is everyone. The whole world is paparazzi. It’s a publicist’s nightmare.
So when I saw his little “thought experiment” yesterday, I about choked on my three-bean salad. How many times do I have to tell him? All correspondence goes through me. All interviews, all letters-to-the-editor, everything. That’s why he can’t have an email address.
Do you know how long he’s been trying to get that burn-victim romance movie made? You don’t want to know.
And who is this “Megan Gogerty?” Some rando on the Internet? Is she going to — what? — claim she’s pregnant with his baby and sue him for child support? You wouldn’t believe how many of those I get in a year. Somebody stands next to him in an elevator too long, suddenly they’re carrying his child.
Wait, she’s how old? Oh. Well, that’s a relief.
Still. I can’t have my client having any more dalliances with professors. That one from MIT just about crushed him. Not that I’m admitting they ever dated! They were friends. Colleagues. Purely professional. Still. No more professors.
I mean, no offense to Megan Gogerty. I’m sure she’s a great gal. It says here she’s a playwriter? Sorry — playwright. I guess “playwriter” isn’t a word, huh? Why don’t they call them playwriters? We call them screenwriters. Theater people are so weird. Sorry: theatre. Why do you feel you have to gate-keep with this archaic language? Is it because nobody’s making any money? (Except Lin-Manuel Miranda — which, if you know him, I’d love to get a meeting.)
Let me give you some free advice: tell a simple story. Who is Megan Gogerty? Is she a playwright, or is she a professor, or is she a comedian? Pick one. I’m looking at her website — too cluttered, simplify it — and it says she’s a solo performer? Pardon my French, but what the fuck is that? Nobody knows what that is.
And I’m looking through her Medium posts — I’m sorry. What is happening? She’s got personal essays: fine. She’s got smart talk about comedy theory: nobody asked, but okay. She’s got political analysis — what the hell? What is this, the Washington Post? — and now she’s got this horny-on-main speculative fiction thing happening with my client? Who is the audience for this blog? Who is supposed to take her political opinions seriously when the very next day she’s flashing her dimpled thighs and eating fish tacos (subtle) with my client?
Take Brad. Brad tells a simple story. What do you think that is? He’s an all-American heartthrob? A serial monogamist? An altruistic do-gooder? It’s even simpler than that: Brad Pitt is a good time. That’s what he is. If he’s giving an interview, you know it’s gonna be a good time. If he’s in a movie, you know it’s gonna be a good time. Even his dark, edgy stuff, there’s no doubt he is having a blast up there.
So that’s my advice: be one thing, all the time. And hire a publicist for when you inevitably fuck that up.
Sorry. I’m just really stressed out. It’s no small thing to manage a global-spanning corporate brand who’s also a human being. I guess it could be worse — I could be Armie Hammer’s publicist. What a trainwreck!
Call me when you’re in town, we’ll have matcha.
